


Say Goodnight So I Can Say Goodbye

by nottheatretrash



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (but i'm sorry i just love torturing these puff balls), AU, Angst, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, foster puppy, i'm not exactly sorry, lots and lots of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-18 05:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18243410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nottheatretrash/pseuds/nottheatretrash
Summary: Virgil is tired, so tired. Tired of living, tired of dealing with the scrutiny of the other sides, tired of dealing with the thoughts he just can't stop thinking. So he decides to do something about it.(Yes, I used a TOP lyric as a title, this is not related to Twenty One Pilots, I just thought it fit)





	1. Friend, Please Don't Take Your Life Away From Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is an AU, I guess, but it's really close to the real world. The Sides & Thomas interact a lot more, but they can only travel between the mindscape and the real world by standing where they do for videos. It's not set at a specific time between videos, or anything, although I guess after accepting anxiety. There's going to be a new video soon, if Thomas (real world Thomas, not Sanders Sides character Thomas) can finish, so I don't think I'll be able to match the videos since this'd be out of date really quickly. Also, I'm going to pretend Thomas' apartment has a back door, because I don't really know if it does.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> (and so many people have already left kudos, and I have 22 hits, but like aaah, thank you all so much!!!! <3 <3 :) :) )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil lives in a constant state of stress, and his friends nagging do nothing to alleviate it. The thoughts he can't stop thinking are starting to take over, and it's so easy to give up. 
> 
> So Virgil does.

***5 pm***

Virgil walked into the kitchen, where was Thomas was burning a stirfry & Logan was doing a crossword. Internally he sighed, but externally he scowled. He moved past Thomas without a word and opened the cupboard for some snacks. He was grabbing the jar of Nutella when Logan's voice cut through the song stuck in Virgil's head.   
"Could you please make sure to clean your dishes, the ones you left in the sink yesterday?"

"Yeah, sure," Virgil grunted, turning around and trudging back down the hall. "

"And it's your turn to walk Lily!" Logan called after him. Virgil nodded again then screwed up his face in a grimace. He bent down to pet the current foster puppy while Thomas joined the conversation.

"Hey, make sure to get to bed early tonight. You were up really late last night, and you know how important sleep is."

"Sorry," Virgil grunted again. This time he was unable to stop some tears from escaping his eyes. But he was finally at the stairs, where he could pop out to his room.

He did so and flopped on the bed with his chocolate. Virgil tried to itemize everything he had to do, but his friend's comments had made it worse. It'd been weeks since he'd done any of his chores around the house, and he hadn't taken Lily on a walk since last month when Patton dragged him along. 

Virgil felt the tears trickle down his cheeks, and he screamed at the wall.

"I know! I know, ok? I know I'm a screwup, that I can't do anything. I'm a failure. _You_ don't have to remind me, I know it well enough on my own!" Virgil sunk to the ground where he curled into a ball as his thoughts became a whirlwind of insults and insecurities.  _ **Freal. Failure. Mistake. Disorder. Worthless. Lazy. Stupid.**_

 _ **You'll never be good enough,**_ his mind whispered to him. He stayed there for an hour, whimpering and crying to an empty room, hoping the walls would dampen his panic and prevent Thomas from having an anxiety attack. 

 He eventually peeled himself off the ground. He tried to get started on his to-do list but ended up scrolling through his tumblr for half an hour. When he realized the time, he lifted his hand and punched himself in the jaw. The first time wasn't hard enough, so he did it again, and again, and again, each time feeling a satisfying jolt in his head. He kept hitting himself, over and over until he heard his voice being called. Patton was obviously standing on the stairs, trying to reach him. 

 _Virgil, Virgil?_ Patton asked through the etherspace between them.  _Are you there?_   _We were going to do a puzzle today, remember kiddo? I mean, Virgil-o?_

Virgil let out an annoyed sigh. "You can't do anything right," he told himself. "You told Patton that you'd do a puzzle, but look where we are. You're going to disappoint him like you always do, and he's just trying to be nice.  ** _It's all your fault_**." 

Virgil took a breath and called back to Patton.  _I'm, ah, I'm kinda busy right now, sorry Patton._ He cringed and waited for the reply. 

 _Oh, ok. See you later then._ Patton's voice was tinged with guilt that cut Virgil to the core.  _Oh, and Logan says to make sure you walk Lily!_

Virgil sighed again as his thoughts acted up again.  _ **What, you forgot about that? Because you're a worthless little idiot who can never do anything right, even something so simple. You're just a disappointment!**_

Virgil was blinded by his feelings, but eerily calm he walked toward a cabinet. And under the cabinet, were his razors. 

"Why am I doing this?" he asked himself. "Oh, right, because I deserve it." He slid up the arm of his jacket and inspected the scars already there as if he didn't sneak glances at them multiple times a day. Then he drew the blade across his arm. Over and over, cutting lines into a word, cutting as deep as he could without causing damage. He was Anxiety, he'd done significant research so as to make sure he didn't damage something significantly. After a while, he set the razor down, and cleaned up the blood, as best he could. Then he put away the razors and checked the time.  7pm. Someone would be coming to collect him for dinner soon. His stomach growled in response, but he decided to ignore it. 

A knock on the wall sounded, and Logan's voice sounded.  _Virgil, Thomas has finished cooking dinner. I aided him in fixing the stirfry he made earlier, so you don't need to worry about the quality._ Virgil didn't reply. Logan knocked again, harder.  _Virgil, are you there? I said, it's time for dinner._ Virgil just sat down and waited. _Anxiety! I'm not kidding. Are you there or not?_ Virgil sighed and called back.

_Not hungry, Lo._

_Anxiety, you know how important regular meals are for maintaining mental health, and the Nutella you stole earlier is not sufficient. Please join us for dinner._ Virgil just stayed quiet again, and he heard Logan sight and walk away, but not before he heard Logan's mutter;  _Don't know why I try._

_**Did you hear that? Anxiety, not Virgil. He's tired of dealing with you. And why shouldn't he be? You're just a burden, always making a mess & never doing anything of value. ** _

"Shut up!" Virgil yelled at himself and slapped himself across the face. He grabbed his headphones and blasted music. He laid on the ground, staring at the ceiling, trying to erase his thoughts. He felt Roman and Patton try to talk to him, but he turned the volume up and ignored them both. An hour, two hours passed but he had no idea what songs he'd listened to. Virgil was just tired, so tired. His face and arm were both sore. His eyes were crusty and dry, and he had a headache from the music he'd been blasted. 

He opened his phone and saw a bunch of messages. He started with Logan.

First, an article Logan had sent him about 8 that morning. Virgil read it through not comprehending a word. Then he read the rest of the texts. 

8 pm -  _You missed dinner_

8:03 -  _Are you trying to ignore us? That behavior is out of character for you, so I wonder if you are trying to be deliberatly rude_

8:04 _\- Anxiety, this is no longer funny. You still haven't taken care of your dishes, and you haven't walked Lily at all for the past month. I believe we need to have a conversation about your responsibilities in this house_

8:12 -  _Anxiety, when you decide to leave your room and rejoin us, Thomas, Patton, Roman & I have all agreed that we need to talk to you. It has occurred to me that you have not left your room due to your inhibitions that come along with being Thomas' embodiment of Anxiety, but this is still not acceptable behavior. _

Virgil sighed and looked at the other messages. Patton had sent a few, asking was he ok?, other expressions of concern, a dad joke, and a few assorted emojis. Thomas had texted him an invite to dinner, then a message saying it was ok if he was busy. 

Roman had sent a number of short texts, over fifty in total. 

_Yo where are you?_

_Come out of your room_

_Lo's on the warpath_

_He thinks your trying to be rude_

_V what's up with you_

_you cool?_

_Seriously, do i need to kill something?_

_cuz i will_

_don't test me_

_dude this is really good_

_youre missing out_

_patton keeps asking if your ok_

_are you ok_

_answer your door_

_dude what's up with you today_

_you need to turn down your music if you seriosuly can't hear us_

_patton really misses you_

_logan keeps ranting about how irresponsible you are_

_you cant ignore me forever you know_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_virgil_

_ugh_

_fine_

_stay in your room then_

_we dont care_

_virgil_

There were more, but Virgil stopped reading. He exited his messages and scrolled through tumblr.

***9:30***

Virgil popped out of his room onto the stairs. Logan and Thomas were discussing Thomas' latest projects. Patton had roped Roman into doing his puzzle. Virgil pulled the hood of his hoodie further over his head. He walked toward the door. Logan saw him and straightened up.

"We need to have a discussion, Virgil." Roman & Patton looked up at his name, but Virgil didn't react, he just walked toward the door. He clapped and Lily came trotting over to him, and sat obediently. Virgil clipped on the leash as Logan spoke again. "It's a little late for a walk, isn't it?" When he didn't receive a reply, Logan just continued. "Don't forget to take a bag."

Virgil walked out the door into the crisp night air with the dog, and shut the door. He bent down to pet Lily, then led her around the house to Thomas' back yard. He leaned against the fence, then bent down and cried into her fur.

"I'm sorry, girl," he hiccupped. "I, uh, I won't be coming back. It's nothing to do with you," he took a deep breath. "I just can't do this anymore. But I love you. You're such a good girl, I love you so much." 

Lily wagged her tail uncertainty. She could tell something was up, but she wasn't sure what. Virgil sighed and stood up. He let Lily into the back yard. He knew one of the other sides would notice her soon and let her in. Virgil closed the gate & walked away. It was dark, so he didn't need to worry about being spotted. He walked through the neighborhoods, getting himself as lost as he could, just walking in the dark.

***11pm, Roman***

The living room was quiet. Logan was sitting on the couch and Roman at the table, Thomas and Patton had disappeared. Roman looked up from the video script he was working on to check the time. Then a random thought crossed his mind. "Hey, where's Virgil?"

Logan looked up from his book. "I guess he hasn't returned from his walk with Lily."

Roman nodded for a moment, then stopped. "But it's been hours." Then he froze. "I let Lily in from the back yard over an hour ago."

An expression of concern flashed across Logan's face. "Then where's Virgil? Do you think he put Lily in the back yard & snuck past us, to avoid giving her a walk?"

Roman exhaled forcefully. "You have got to stop thinking the worst of him. No, I seriously think something is up. I haven't seen him at all today. And as much as he's normally a pain, that is out of the ordinary!"

Logan nodded. "Fine, we'll go find him. I'll find Patton to see if he's in his room."

"No, that would take to long. It'll be fine." Roman strode to the stairs and ducked down to Virgil's room. He took a deep breath to defend himself when he saw Anxiety, but he saw nothing. He glanced around the room for any sign of him, but there was nothing. He surveyed the room one more time, and a flash of red caught his eye. Roman walked over to cabinet & bent down. The splotch on the floor looked like ... blood. Roman stood up, trying to contain his panic. He sunk down and reappeared in Thomas' living room. 

Logan looked up from his book again as Roman shot up. 

"Logan, what are you doing?" Logan's attempt at a reply was cut off by Roman's frantic shouting. "We need to find Virgil, **now!** " 

"Wait, but, why?"

"I saw blood on his carpet. And I really think he might be about" Roman took a ragged breath. "He's about to kill himself."

Logan shot to his feet, sudden worry etched into his face. "I'll find Patton and Thomas. You go out and look for him!"

Roman ran to the door and threw it open. "Think, think! Where would he go?" Roman stopped. There was a tall bridge nearby, and someone one had jumped off it last year. Roman started running in that direction. He drew his sword and held in front of him as he ran down alleys and side streets, until he reached the deserted road that would take him to the bridge. Roman's phone rang. Logan.

He answered and shouted into the phone. "He's at the bridge! I'm almost there! Take the car!" He hung up, cutting off Logan's answer. There was no time. He started running again, hurtling his feet against the pavement, ignoring the pain and the stitch in his side. 

Roman ran faster and faster, holding on to the invisible hope that Virgil would still be there when he arrived. He rounded a corner, and the bridge came into sight. A figure was standing on the edge of the bridge, and alerted by Roman's feet slapping on the pavement, turned to look at him. Then the figure faced forward again, and lifted his arms from the railing. Impossibly slow, the figure started to fall forward, and Roman was close enough now to see the dashes of purple on the black hoodie the figure was wearing.

"Virgil!" A scream tore out of his mouth, a strangled cry that conveyed all his regret in one desolate sound. "Virgil no!" Roman was almost there, almost there, almost ... there! He threw his arm out across the railing and caught Virgil's right arm in his left hand. He snatched at the hood of Virgil's jacket and clutched it in his right. He pulled a limp Virgil back across the railing. Then he sunk to the ground, Virgil with him, adrenaline wearing off and exhaustion catching up to him. 

"Virgil, Virgil, please, please look at me, Virgil please!" He pleaded with the limp body on his lap. Virgil turned to look at him with hollowed eyes that were red from crying. 

"I'm sorry," Virgil croaked. "I know, it's my fault, I'm a mistake, I can't do anything, I can't even kill myself properly. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he repeated over and over. 

Roman swallowed and pulled up Virgil's sleeve to look at his arm. There were many scars, spelling out the words 'worthless', 'mistake', 'useless', 'nothing', and others, but the fresh cuts there spelled out the word Virgil kept repeating. Sorry. Roman brushed his hand against Virgil's chin and shut his friend's mouth, then took his hand. 

"No, I'm sorry. I wasn't there for you. You have nothing to be sorry for." Virgil's breath hitched, and he started crying harder, but Roman let him, and he wasn't surprised to find tears of his own trickling down his face. 

The two stayed there, crying together in the dark, until the others pulled up & loaded Virgil into the back seat. Roman never let go of his hand.


	2. Make Your Slits Look Just Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following his suicide attempt, Virgil is under constant watch by the other sides. But he finds himself unable to stop himself from overreacting and picking fights, and he can tell the others are getting tired of being his taskmaster. Roman seems to want to create a closer relationship, so Virgil reveals something about the rooms they live in, but rebukes any further attempts at connection. 
> 
> Virgil knows better than to hurt himself again, given how closely Thomas and the others are watching.  
> But what is there to do when pain seems to be the answer left?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wasn't going to do a second part, but I decided I wanted to, so here it is.  
> There's a lot more conversation to self-harm and suicide in this one, but only a brief scene where Virgil is about to self-harm near the end.  
> I really hope you all like!  
> (I'm probably going to write a third part b/c I really like this idea. & I want them to have a happy ending, so another part probably coming soon)

***The Next Day, 9am***

Virgil woke to the sound of hushed voices and the sensation of another body holding his. He sat up and looked around the living room. Wait, living room? 

The events of the previous night came crashing back upon him like a tidal wave.  _ **Stupid. Can't even kill yourself right**_

He took a breath and realized that Thomas, Patton, and Logan were all looking at him. Princey was ... Princey was lying on the couch next to him. Virgil stood up as fast as he could, but tangled in the blanket someone had draped around him, he ended up falling to the ground, right on his bloody arm. 

Surprisedly, Virgil wasn't annoyed at the pain. Virgil was never annoyed at the cuts afterward. Because he always deserved it, and more pain was always a good thing to him. He knew it was twisted, but he could help to feel sick pride when he saw what his self-destruction had done.

Virgil untangled himself and stood. He became painfully aware of the fact that he wasn't wearing his jacket. Quickly, the anxious side crossed his arms to hide them from the other sides. He cowered ever so slightly, unused to his skinny frame being exposed to the real world instead of being smothered by a comforting piece of fabric.

Thomas was the first to react. "Virgil. How'd you sleep?"

Virgil shrugged. "Um, ok, I guess?"

"Are you asking or answering?" Logan cut in.

Thomas shot him a look. "So, Virge, um, how much do remember of last night?"

Virgil could feel the panic rising in his chest, threatening to break through to the surface & make him cry again.  ** _Weak_. **"I," he paused. "I remember leaving, and putting Lily in the back yard, and walking for a while. But nothing after that. Why, what happened?" Virgil remembered the events of last night perfectly. But he figured that if they thought he didn't know, they'd interrogate him less. 

The expression on Thomas' face clearly displayed that he didn't know what to do. "Virgil, this is hard to say. But, last night, you, you attempted," he broke off.

"You attempted to kill yourself by jumping off a bridge," Logan stated.

Patton started crying then. Virgil cursed internally, lying was a mistake if it made Patton cry. But he had to keep the act up now. "Oh. Ok. Can I go to my room?" 

His fellow sides looked at each other, debating silently. Patton spoke first. "Yeah, sure kiddo." He tried to make the statement upbeat, but the fatherly side was sad, and scared. 

"Wait. We need to make sure Virgil is safe," Thomas countered. 

"Indeed." Logan strode across the room and yanked at Virgil's wrist.

"Hey!" Virgil yanked back in alarm and fell on Roman, who was in the process of jumping to his feet. Patton and Thomas were standing there with their mouths hanging open. Roman and Virgil both successfully attempted to stand up again. Thomas was close to yelling when he finally regained his voice. 

"Logan! You are  _not_  helping. I get that you like to do things logically, but surely you realize that upsetting Virgil further isn't helpful?"

Logan scowled. "Fine. If my help is not wanted here, then I shall just go do something productive. Should anyone like something specific for breakfast or will pancakes suffice?" 

He was met with stony silence. 

But he didn't react, just turned and started busying himself in the kitchen. 

Thomas turned back to Virgil. "If, if it's ok with you, can we see?" Heartbreak soured his voice in his fear of upsetting Virgil more.

Virgil nodded. "Patton, you can look at something else if you like." Patton nodded and then bent down to pet Lily, who was sitting at his feet. 

Virgil stuck out his arm, looking straight ahead and hoping the tears in his eyes weren't obvious. Most of the cuts had crusted over, but some were still bleeding. There were bruises around where Roman had grabbed him last night to keep him from falling. After a few beats, Virgil put his arm down. 

"I'm going to my room."

"We still need to make sure that you're safe. That you won't," Thomas swallowed. "You won't do anything else." 

Virgil closed his eyes for a moment.  _ **Now they all know how weak you are**_ **.**

"I'll go with him." 

Virgil flinched, as it was the first thing Roman had said that morning. 

"And who gave you permission?" Virgil snapped.  _ **Baby. He's trying to be nice. He saved your life last night. Although, it's not like you should be grateful for that.**_ He sighed. "Fine, fine. Come with me then. See how much I care." Virgil stomped over to his spot on the stairs, Roman darting behind him with an apologetic expression on his face. 

He popped out and reappeared in his room, then pulled his desk chair upright and shoved it toward roman. "Here ya go Princey!" His expression was sour as he slid down the wall into a crumpled heap on the ground. It was only then when he realized he'd never gotten his jacket back. Or his phone. He sat up to question the regal side, but the regal side had some questions of his own. 

"I thought our rooms looked like Thomas' current surroundings. It was like that last time. What did you do?" Roman wasn't trying to be rude, Virgil could tell. Plus, he didn't have his phone, so he couldn't ignore his guest very well. 

"Your room does. But I got tired of the constant changing, and I manipulated it a little to give me a little more that's constant. I always have a desk, I always have a dresser, etc. I don't have to worry about leaving things behind if I know they're always in this cabinet, but if I leave them in the anxiety version of one of Thomas' cabinets, and he's not near that cabinet, well, that would suck for me." Virgil shrugged.

"But how?" 

"I just, uh, I dunno, changed the shape of the room. I sat on the ground and meditated for a while and the furniture changed a bit, so I kept trying and ended up with this."

Roman surveyed the room again. "But, you don't have a bed? Why not?"

Virgil's tone harshened. "I don't get much sleep, and if I do, what does it matter that I'm in a bed."

Roman's expression worried a bit. "Sleep deprivation is a form of self-harm Anxiety. You can't do that to yourself."

"Why else would I be doing it?" When he caught sight of Roman's expression, Virgil caught himself. "Sorry. Look, do you want to see something cool?" He sat down in the middle of the room and closed his eyes. Then slowly, a door became visible on a blank wall. Roman stared at it, incredulous. He moved to open it, but was stopped by Virgil's voice. "Wait, I need to finish." After a few more moments, Virgil opened his eyes and stood up. Then he opened the door. 

"Why didn't you let me open the door right when it appeared?"

"Because I had created the door, but I needed to design what lies behind the door."

"Really, you created everything this quickly?" The pair were walking down an ornate hallway, with torches on the wall and gold designs on the ceiling, a dusty blue carpet beneath their feet. The hallway, despite its opulence, was narrow and short, so Virgil led the way.

"No. I created it before, a few months ago. I just had to, um, pull it back."

"What?"

"Picture it like this," Virgil explained as he led Roman through the corridors, turning left and right. "Say you have a vast empty space, infinite in all directions, but empty. I call it etherspace. Then we add in Thomas' dimension, the real world, right? It's on the first floor, you could say. And it goes out as far as it goes. Then, the floor above, you have my room, your room, Lo's room, Dad's room. But they're not connected to each other, just Thomas' living room. And, for some reason, the measurements are weird on the second floor. So I created these hallways, but it's kinda hard to navigate. Just, follow me." Virgil walked on for a few minutes, Roma not daring to break the silence. 

After one turn, the hallway widened significantly, and the ceiling rose far above the pair. The wallpaper was no longer peeling and dusty but decorated with flowers & rich shades of color, and the plush carpet was edged with gold, gold and silver curls decorating the center. Virgil walked a few more steps and showed Roman the door in front of him. A shiny gold crown stood out against the deep red of the door. Roman walked forward and opened it to reveal ... his room.

He walked into it, while Virgil stayed behind in the hall. After a moment, the royal reappeared. "Um, wow. That's really cool Virgil. Does anyone else know?"

Virgil shook his head. "Come on, I have something else I want to show you." He turned away from Roman's door and walked farther from the hallway they'd come from originally, but this time, he took only one turn before arriving at his destination. The door was gray, with a dragon motif on the front. Virgil twisted the handle and stepped inside. Past the door, it was mostly fog swirling around, obscuring what was beyond. Roman followed the darker trait, and Virgil motioned for him to close the door. He did, and Virgil grinned. 

"I created this place. I call it the Imagination. You just think, and anything will appear." A castle came into view with a rainbow framing the tallest tower, where a damsel was clearly in distress. "You can finally have that battle with your dragon-witch, which is a stupid concept by the way," Virgil needled him. 

"Wow, Virgil. This is really something, but, ah, how do I get here?" 

"You saw, it was just one right past your room."

  
"No, I mean, what about the door. Will it stick around?"

"It might. We'll have to see. If not I can put it back. But we should really get back. The others'll be looking for us soon." Roman nodded, so they left the Imagination, and Virgil was careful to shut the door tightly. Then he led Roman back to his room, although the hallways seemed to be deliberately trying to confuse them. They reached Virgil's room once more, and Virgil sat on the ground while Roman processed what had happened. 

Roman opened his mouth to speak when Patton's voice cut through.  _Hey, kiddos! Time for breakfast. We'd love it if you could join us._

Virgil groaned and got to his feet, then popped out into the real world. After a beat, Roman appeared next to him. 

 "Pancakes!" Patton sang from the kitchen. He carried plates out and set them on the table, where Thomas and Logan were already waiting. 

"Thanks, Pat. Which one's mine?" Patton moved his right hand, but the action unbalanced him, so he hurriedly set the plate down. Next to Logan. He then handed Roman's plate to him. 

"Here Princey!" Roman froze for a moment, then quickly moved Virgil's plate away from Logan & sat next to the recalcitrant side. Virgil didn't react to the movement, but he was secretly glad of Roman's help. 

A few minutes into breakfast, Logan finally spoke. "Virgil. It has come to my attention that my harsh actions against you were-" he straightened his glasses. "-they were rude & invasive. I should not have tried to force you beyond your boundaries. The best course of action here would be for me to apologize, so Virgil, I'm sorry." 

Virgil stared through his plate, a look he'd perfected to clearly say 'I'm listening but I don't want to hear what you're saying.' 

Logan took a deep breath to continue, but Thomas, sitting to his left, put his hand on the logical side's arm. Virgil wasn't near finished with the pancakes, but he stood up all the same.

"Could I get my jacket back?" He was still wearing only a thin white t-shirt, and it was really bugging him how exposed he was. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Patton flinch every time the fatherly side caught sight of his mutilated arm.

Thomas stood and grabbed it out of the closet, then handed it to Virgil. "Hey, V. I don't want to bother you, but do you think you could go on a walk with me? Take Lily down to the park, talk..." He trailed off, his face a question. 

Virgil shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever." He grabbed his plate and marched to the kitchen. A chorus of protests rang out from the table.

"You don't have to Virgil!" 

Virgil just shook his head. "Haven't done my dishes for weeks, I can do this plate." He shoved his sleeves up & doused the plate in hot water, careful to splash some on his arm.  _ **Doesn't hurt enough.**_

Virgil wanted to just stick his arm under the stream of water & let it stay there, but it only took so long to wash one plate, so he shut the water off & turned back to Thomas. Thomas smiled, a hesitant smile that asked if it was still ok to be happy, after everything that had happened. 

Virgil just clapped in response. Lily came bounding down the stairs, where she'd presumably been asleep. When she saw Virgil, she almost knocked him over in her excitement. "Ok, ok. I love you too, girl," he whispered to her. He clipped on the leash and straightened, then he and Thomas exited the house. 

It was a bright day, one that assaulted the eyes and senses with the extra light despite the cold. Virgil's skull throbbed with pain, a headache left over from last night's stress. Virgil started down the street, Thomas walking next to him. 

"So? Talk."

Thomas smiled the same smile as before. "We need to talk about how we go forward after this." He exhaled. "Virgil, we love you. And I can't imagine how you must feel to attempt something like this. The amount of pain you must be in." Virgil's thoughts bit at him with every word Thomas spoke.  _ **Weak. If you'd done it properly they wouldn't need to worry about you anymore.**_

"Yes, and?"

"Well, we want to check your room. For, you know. Razors, rope." Thomas' mouth flattened into a thin line, but he continued. "And we want to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore. We will be making sure. Someone is always going to be with you from now on. We need to know where you are at all times."

Virgil's expression was poison. "What? Now you need to treat me like a baby even more than you normally do? I should have jumped sooner."

Thomas started crying, unaware that he was doing so, shocked by Virgil's statement. "You can't mean that."  _ **All you do is cause pain.**_

"Ahh, but I do." Virgil paused. "Fine. 24/7 bodyguard. No ropes, no knives. What else?" 

"Would you possibly be willing to go to therapy?" Thomas tried.

"Not gonna work. For therapy to help, you need to want to improve." 

Thomas sighed. _**He's disappointed in you, they all are. Why can't you make this easy for them?**_ "Then what can we do? Anx-Virgil, we want to help."  _ **You're beyond help.**_

"I dunno." Virgil could tell that Thomas was waiting for more, but he didn't have any more to say. They walked Lily to the park & let her play for a few minutes. Then they turned around and walked back to Thomas' house. The air between them was charged with Thomas' desperation & Virgil's swirl of feelings.

***While they were gone***

Roman got up from the table, his appetite abandoning him. He cleaned his plate and started on the dishes in the sink.

"Those are Virgil's," Logan countered.

"Yeah, and he attempted suicide last night," Roman growled. "I'm doing them." 

Patton looked between the two. "I'm, just, uh, I'll go to my room."

"You know what, Patton?" Roman looked straight at Logan while he spoke. "I think I'll go to my room too. Logan can clean up."

Patton ran to his spot in the living room and ducked out to his room. Logan stared at Roman. "No, I won't. Why is it my job to clean up his mess?"

"You really hate him, don't you?" Roman shot at Logan, his tone usually serious. "He tried to  _kill_ himself last night. And you're just sitting here, complaining about him. No wonder he wanted to jump off that bridge!"

Logan kept his face neutral. "Oh, I see. I'm the scapegoat here. It's not like I never saw you taunting him."

Roman looked crushed. "Yeah, well. At least I'm sorry." He moved over to his spot near the TV. "I'll be gone a couple of hours." Then was gone. 

Roman popped back up in his room and moved to the door that was still present from earlier. He opened it & moved into the hallway, then walked to the Imagination. As he opened the door, the royal wondered why Virgil had created this place. 

The fog was back, and Roman debated what to create. The castle had looked pretty tempting, but that wasn't what he wanted now. He exhaled and the fog blew away. Behind the fog was a small lake, just deep enough to swim. The sky then grayed and storm clouds rolled in. Roman walked forward through the rain. He reached the edge of the lake and dived smoothly in, swimming under the surface of the water. The patter of rain above was soothing, and created a strange sensation Roman had felt nowhere else. After a few minutes without air, he discovered that he didn't need to breathe. 

Roman just swam around the lake, around and around, trying to lose himself in the action. 

It didn't work. He pulled himself onto the beach and curled up into a ball. "Virgil! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He hiccupped and cried, sobbed and wailed, letting himself run dry. The rain drenched him when he ran out of tears to shed. After a while, Roman pulled himself to a standing position. He banished the rain but kept the clouds, standing under the dark sky. The other sides would be sure to react if he showed himself sopping wet, so he decided to try something. He imagined himself wearing a clean white suit, then in his mind, he decorated it with swirls of red & gold tassels, with a red-gold crown set above the right shoulder. 

He opened his eyes and found himself wearing the outfit. After inspecting it to his satisfaction, he grasped the door handle and walked into the hall. The outfit stayed as it was. Roman exhaled then walked back to his room. He walked back to his room, then shot up into the living room, right into the middle of an argument.

 

***5 minutes earlier***

Virgil and Thomas walked back in through the door. Logan and Patton were doing another puzzle at the kitchen table. Patton looked up, but Logan continued with the puzzle, ignoring them. 

"Um, hey V! Do you wanna do something later? We never did get that puzzle!"

Immediately Virgil could feel himself shutting down.  _ **You can never do anything right. You disappointed Patton. You disappoint everyone. And you're overreacting. What's so wrong with you that you can't even do a puzzle?**_  On the outside, he just smiled. The smile was tight & full of pain, but no one had noticed the pain yet. "Ok, Pat. Later."

Patton nodded and smiled. Thomas looked at Virgil. "Can I check your room now?"

_**You'll just disappoint him too. He cares about you.** _

"I can get them myself."

Thomas shook his head. "Someone else needs to go with you." 

"You don't trust me?"  _ **Well, they shouldn't, you're an untrustworthy piece of trash. Anyway, why are you being so rude? Guess you really are just a disappointment.**_

Thomas bit his lip. "No! Just, Virgil. Please," he pleaded. 

"What if I don't want you in my room? It's my space, isn't it?"

"It is! But we need to make sure you're safe!" Thomas ran his hand through his hair in exasperation.  _ **He's mad at you. You deserve it.**_

Virgil caught sight of Patton's face off to his side. "Can we not fight about this right now?"

"Then when Virgil? For all we know, you could cut again at any moment!" 

"So what? Why do you care? I can tell you're tired of dealing with me!" Thomas tried to deny it, but Logan interrupted him.

"Virgil, you know what an important part of Thomas you are. We've already established this."

Virgil turned to look at him. "Oh really? Let me ask you a question. Do you really care about me, or do you just care because you know Thomas needs me?"  _ **You've really done it now. They're all mad at you now. Why shouldn't they be? You deserve it. You make a mess of everything. They should hate you already. Now they do. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.**_

Suddenly, Roman shot up next to the TV. The tension in the room caused him to pause for a moment, but Virgil had said his bit. He stormed over to the regal side and grabbed his arm. Virgil dragged the surprised Princey over to the stairs and popped out, pulling Roman with him.

The two fell into Virgil's room. Roman turned to Virgil. "What was that about?"

"Apparently, I'm a danger to myself blah blah blah & they want to check my room for stuff I can use to hurt myself. And you're the only one I'm not mad at, so here. Search away," Virgil said sarcastically. Then he softened. "Sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into this."  _ **Mistake. You always inconvenience others. You're just an inconvenience.**_

Roman didn't seem to notice Virgil's sudden inner tirade of self-hate. Why would he, given that no one ever did, despite how often it happened?

"Sure, Virgil." He smiled the same half-smile that had been haunting all the others. Virgil sat at the desk chair and watched Roman rifle through the room. It was sparse and didn't take long for Roman to find everything he'd hidden. Virgil had kept all of his supplies in a single cabinet, so Roman was able to confiscate it all easily. That didn't stop him from searching the rest of the room, just to be thorough. Virgil looked at the pile on the floor.

Bandaids, bandages, anti-infection pads, and a few assorted razors. Some were rusty, some were from pencil sharpeners, but Virgil knew that all had been used recently. There was also rope, pretied into a noose, as well as a lighter. Virgil had tried burning himself before, but he'd never succeeded. 

Roman finished and looked at Virgil. "Virgil. God. I'm so sorry."

Virgil just shook his head.  _ **You don't deserve sympathy.**_ "It's fine."

"No, it's not!" The prince protested. Roman looked fairly panicked. "I can't believe I didn't notice. You don't deserve this."

 _ **Yes, you do.**_ "Well, I've gotten to be a pretty good actor over the years." Virgil just continued staring at the pile in front of him. The razors were so close, but Roman was right there. He couldn't cut, not in front of Roman, and Roman would know if he tried to steal one. 

Roman moved over to Virgil and put his hand on the darker trait's shoulder. "Virgil. I, uh. I know that I've been horrible to you in the past. But, could we maybe start over? I know I don't deserve a second chance, but you deserve an apology. I'm." He took a breath. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever. I don't need you to pretend to like me, Prince  _Roman_." Virgil stood and grasped the door handle in his palm, then flung open the door and ran out into the hall. He could hear Roman following behind, so instead of taking the path he had last time, he took a wrong turn. Then a second wrong turn. He continued, hopefully getting Roman thoroughly lost. After a while, he could no longer hear the other's footprints, so he started to make his way to the Imagination. There was something he needed to do.

 ***Roman** *****

Roman ran behind Virgil as fast as he could, but soon he fell behind. Roman stopped and looked around. He was lost, plain and simple. He would just have to find his way out, either back to Virgil's room or his own. Roman drew his sword and decided to start walking. He would stick to the left wall, a tactic that Logan had taught him years ago for mazes. And this was a maze, of sorts. Roman passed more doors, but dared to open none of them. The first he touched was freezing cold. Others were blackened and burned, some dusty. One was chained over. He stayed as far as he could from the walls, but the halls were so narrow it was difficult.

After some time, Roman became aware that he recognized this hallway. It was part of the route Virgil had taken to the Imagination!

He hurried down the halls, trying to remember where Virgil had turned earlier that morning. After some time, he found himself back in the hallway where his room was. He darted through his door and then shot back up into the real world. Three heads swiveled toward him. 

"Roman? Where on earth have you and Virgil been? Where _is_ Virgil?" Thomas asked.

"Ooh! Like the new outfit kiddo!" Patton interjected.

"Is that what you were doing this morning?" Logan questioned. 

Roman just panted for a moment. "No time. I lost Virgil. Has he been here?" 

"What? You lost Virgil. How?" Logan yelled. "I thought you were more responsible," he added, quiet but audible.

"Just, I need someone to sink into his room and see if he's there. Please!" Roman's face, panicked and pale, convinced the others. Patton quickly walked to the stairs and sunk out, then shot up not a minute later.   
"He's gone!"

Roman cursed under his breath.

"Roman! What is going on?" Thomas demanded.

"Why is Virgil's room so weird?" Patton asked. 

Roman held up a hand. "Stop! I promise, I will explain everything, when we find Virgil. Until then, don't go in his room. I'll be right back, I think I know where he is." He sunk out before anything else could be said. He ran out of his room, then turned the corner to the Imagination. "Might as well start here."

Roman opened the door to reveal Virgil beyond. The stormy side was sitting crosslegged on the ground. Details didn't matter. What did matter was the object in Virgil's hand.

A razor, pressed to his wrist. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was fun!  
> Also, I gave Virgil more power over his room b/c while I get that having it reflect current surroundings fits with the video, it doesn't work if I need to have a bed that Virgil can dramatically collapse onto. But hey, it's fanfiction, so I do what I like right?  
> Third part will be out sometime this week!


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